All fucked

Like Wanda Dick, who always wanted a second child—a girl—but couldn’t have one and now her son’s friends try to beat her with baseball bats
Like Harlan’s brother, who hadn’t been sober since Ma knew him, and definitely wasn’t sober at Harlan’s funeral
Like when Uncle Jack was first a Jew who dealt good pot and then became a Methodist minister
Like when Willard was 17 and decided to not be Amish anymore and then became a dragbike racer
Like Sam, robotripping in his dark room listening to Fiona Apple
Like me, getting toasted and listening to a mixtape from high school in a trailer
Like me at 17, fucking Eli in his too-hot apartment when he’s soft
Like Ma, loving Harlan from the age of 14 ‘til she couldn’t
Like Ma giving advice to Randy on how to deal with collections agencies while we continue to work on a house we’ve been hoping to live in for the past 12 years

After making out with a scrawny white boy after a rap show who I still like and recently had sex with

Sorry, I didn’t wanna say, “made out with and subsequently fucked a white boy after a rap concert at my dealer’s place,”
Sorry, didn’t wanna tell you, “I wore a Necrophagist T-shirt so that guy from Virginia came all over my chest”
Didn’t wanna tell you, “I peg Bohemian Catholic man-boys when I’m comfortable enough,”

Like Abe thinking Carl had pot at that sleepover that only Carl showed up for, but it was only shitty Top tobacco
Like my coworker at the liquor store who started going to AA meetings and gave me all the booze in her house and I finally had sex with Carl
Like John getting engaged to this chick he said he’d be living with temporarily in ROSEVILLE in a garden-level apartment
It’s like my ex-friend Jen moving into that same apartment building (it has a pool) after having a baby and immediately after her psychiatrist-in-training fiance, Bennie’s cousin, finished all those downers
Like my best friend Jaime, falling in love with me in high school when I broke up with Cole and she broke up with Colt
Like Kat, getting into feminism and women after breaking it off with a guy I could only dream of dating (he makes a home brew that tastes just like Two Hearted, first try)
Like Augie March, fighting Five Properties
Like Howl, ‘cept I’m not a poet and neither was he
Like Alex, my ex-best-friend, fucking my drunk ass while he was sober
Like the next morning, when I had consecutive seizures in his car and he took me to the hospital and we cried and then we dated for six months
Like Ma, spittin’ it like Hova to Aerosmith’s “Walk This Way” during our drive to my neurology appointment with Dr. Sha

Grace Littlefield
— 2 years ago